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Thursday, November 8th 2007

2:09 PM

Fun, laughter, and sad

  • State of Mind: sad
  • How I feel: frustrated, scared, and tired
  • Game of The Day: Gears of War and Call of Duty 4 on the xbox 3360
  • Thought of the day: Why??

Im back,

I finally have a laptop so I can get on the Internet easier now and with less pain. My hubby sold his computer so I could have a laptop and has now taken over my desktop computer, he is very happy since I had the better computer, lol.

Life has been up and down for me lately I have no family on my side to talk to anymore not even my Mom who decided that her drunken boyfriend who likes to use her as a punching bag is better than her daughter so basically she disowned me and chose him over me. It really hurts to know how powerful a abuser can be to make someone not want to be around their own family. I really do miss her a lot, so please pray for her safety and that she deserve's so much better. 

I must admit even though I was put back on liquid morphine and antidepressants again I did have a very happy month at the end of summer. I finally got to go to Disneyland which has been a life long dream for me. I also meet a few very good friends that I play online with Spinner, pneuma, Doubt theshadow, razz6 and a couple other gals who game, and I can't think of there names, I can't believe it I'm drawing a blank sorry.

I owe the trip to Disneyland too two great people and my of course my very thoughtful and wonderful hubby for without his driving we would have never made it to L.A. I don't want to use there real names without there permission, but I want to say Thank You so much Spinner and pneuma for making a dream come true.   

I also got to meet another good friend who stayed with us before we went to L.A Suicide Joe its so cool to meet the people you play with online.

The trip was a blast, but when we got back home things started going down hill for me. I started getting more pain so my morphine was increased and the doctor, who I forgot to mention is a new doctor as my old doctor retired decided to try and get me approved for the pain patch. After 3 weeks of paper work I have been approved. I was told the transition over to the patch would not give me any withdrawal, but my body decided otherwise.

Today is not a good day I woke up in pain and hot and cold sweats, shivering, headache and just over all yucky. I guess the patch which usually takes 12 hours to kick in is taking longer with me. Thankfully my new doctor is understanding and after talking to him on the phone he wrote me a script for the liquid morphine to help with the pain and to stop the withdrawal by tomorrow or later tonight I should be ok. I am hoping the pain patch will keep my pain under control, but in a way I am depressed that I have to be on it.

Since I barely get out anymore I spend a lot of time gaming on the xbox360 with my online friends and now that I can go online with my laptop I plan to interact more with my friends in ostomy chat on Mirc, I haven't been there in a long time hopefully I will still know some people.

Please keep me in your prayers I will admit I am not dealing well with my illness and my faith. I still believe I am just having a hard time understanding why certain things are happening and sometimes I think he has forgotten about me like I am a waste of time. I just don't understand I pray and pray and never get answers. I hear of so many people getting healed by God and I wonder why he can`t just heal me so I can live a normal life and not feel like my body is a jail.... 

Till Later


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Saturday, April 28th 2007

4:06 PM

Help Me

  • State of Mind: lonely, frustrated, tired
  • How I feel: pain
  • Thought of the day: why are people so greedy?




Lord, in every need let me come to
You with humble trust saying,
Jesus, help me.
In all my doubts, perplexities, and temptations,
Jesus, help me.
In hours of loneliness, weariness, and trials,
Jesus, help me.
In the failure of my plans and hopes; in
disappointments, troubles, and sorrows,
Jesus, help me.
When others fail me and Your grace alone can assist me,
Jesus, help me.
When I throw myself on Your tender love as a father and savior,
Jesus, help me.
When my heart is cast down by failure at seeing no good come from my efforts,
Jesus, help me.
When I feel impatient and my cross irritates me,
Jesus, help me.
When I am ill and my head and hands cannot work and I am lonely,
Jesus, help me.
Always, always, in spite of weakness, falls, and shortcomings of every kind,
Jesus, help me and never forsake me.

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Friday, December 22nd 2006

12:57 PM

Still alive

  • State of Mind: unknown
  • How I feel: frustrated
  • Game of The Day: Zelda Twilight Princess on the
  • Thought of the day: Why is there so much pain in this world?

Just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and to let you know I miss you all very much! I wish I could say I was doing better, but I can't.

I am still waiting for surgery and I am no longer able to eat and live on ensure and sometimes soft food and have lost 40 pounds in the last 2 months. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle, but Im not giving up.

Sylvain is very stressed but is more understanding now. Me being sick is really hard and frustrating for him. He still has his bad days and we still have our fights but we have learned to work our frustrations out a lot faster.

I can't sit at the computer anymore. I wish I could but since I am almost off the methadone pain is really bad and the doc's don't know what to give me for pain due to me having so many allergies and I don't want to back on morphine again. Anyways enough depressive talk.

Have a great Chistmas and a great New Year God Bless

Till later


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Thursday, July 13th 2006

2:44 AM

Still Alive...I think

  • State of Mind: All mixed upped
  • How I feel: sad,crazy, and more pain
  • Thought of the day: Why am I the only one in my whole family who can't have a baby?

I didn't think it had been so long since my last post, I haven't been posting much because I figure everyone must be getting tired of my whining and complaining about how lousy life is most of the time.

A lot has happened since I last posted some good, some bad. Sylvain and I started to go to counseling, but the lady that was going to help us is having health problems herself so we are going to try and get help thru the church. I never thought that we would need counseling.

I never thought that we would be fighting like we are. I miss the way we used to be, before I had my last surgery we never fought as much as we do now. I mean we used to have some nasty fights every now and then but not every week, sometimes every day. It scares me, I am starting to wonder how much longer he can handle being with me sick like this or is he just staying because he feel would feel guilty leaving. It's like we are both hanging from a thread waiting to see who is going to fall first...

To make things worse I am slowly being weaned off the methadone for my chronic pain which is not fun and not easy and I need his support more than ever right now. The pain is getting worse and every time I go down on my dose I go thru withdrawal and that's no cup of tea to go thru. I really need his support right now while I go thru this and I have to be careful of when to tell him I need some TLC and encouragement, you see if he is playing his game Battlefield 2 with his clan and I need some help because the withdrawal symptoms are driving me up the wall he thinks I am just doing it to get him to stop playing his game and that's not true. I just want a hug, a prayer, some encouraging words and if the symptoms are really bad he could just cuddle with me for 15-20 min or how ever long the symptoms take to settle down. I am really scared to be going off of this because I haven't even been offered any other form of relief. I wish the Methadone didn't make me feel so sick and give me so many side effects. I guess only time will tell on how everything will turn out. I just wish Sylvain would stop saying I don't care about him and stuff when I am going thru this. I am so scared of the pain I am going to be in when I am completly off the methadone. I can barely eat now, what's gonna happen to me?

Truth is I care for him so much he just doesn't see it, I try my hardest to keep the kitchen and dishes clean and other housework no matter how much I hurt and all he can do is tell me how I don't care about him and his need for his time, I am trying to lighten the load so he has a chance to have some free time, but I guess when your addicted to a game you don't see that. I have stayed home when I have should have gone to the hospital with partial or sometimes more than partial blockages I cry all night in pain where he can't hear me. I stay home because when I am in the hospital it is to stressful on him.

For the last month I have been pretending to be better than I am so that my cousin who has progressive MS doesn't worry about me. We helped her and her husband move and have been spending a lot of time with them. They have a 3 year old little boy and a 9 year old girl. We have been having their oldest daughter over for weekends and taking her to the park to play, to our friends places for BQ's and Church with us. She needs so much love and attention. Ever since there youngest was born she hasn't got the attention she needs.

Its been hard and tiring for me, but its so nice to have her around, she makes me forget how lonely I truly am. I would do anything for that little girl. I just wish it wasn't so hard when she is gone because then I feel empty again, I want to be a mother so bad and it hurts so much to know that I might never be one. 

Right now Sylvain and I are seeing if we qualify to be legal guardians to there little girl if something should happen,which I pray doesn't happen. Their 3 year old will be going with his Dad, her Dad is no where to be found. There is a long story behind that and I can't get into on here.

If your a praying person I have a few requests...

Please pray that my cousin will go into remission, no child should have to watch there Mom die 

Please pray that if she should be taken from us that we are approved to be legal guardians. Also pray that her son and daughter will get the help they need to deal with the hurt they will be going thru and that I will also get help to deal with the lose of my cousin who has been more like a sister to me and a best best, life without her, I can't even imagine it without it breaking my heart.

Please pray that we are approved because if my cousin does go into remission  then we could foster a child and right now they are asking people who foster to adopt so if all goes well I may be a Mom one day soon and that would make me the happiest person. Thanks to a certian person we know from Church it shouldn't cost us anything to get the home assesement done.

It is so hard to want to be a mom and not be able to be one, I cry and pray every night for God to grant me the gift of being a Mother.

Also please pray for Sylvain and me I am so scared that we won't make it thru this, I know Sylvain is holding on to the dream that the surgery I am trying to get in Toronto will make me pain free. I am trying to get adhesion barriers as well as my Kock Pouch. Its taking forever, we sent in all the paper work and now its just wait and see and we have been waiting a year already.

A  request fro my Mom who is back with her abusive, cheating, and lying boyfriend, please pray that no harm will come to her physically or mentally and that she will find her way out of the darkness and back into the light of God.

Please also pray that God will help me throught then next thru months of weaning of the Methadone and that thru him my pain will be healed also please pray for Sylvain, give him the strenght to be able to stand by me and help me thru the next months and help him to realise Im not doing it to get him to stop playing, why would I put myself thru this kind of withdrawal just for him to stop playing. I love him so much I just wish I could show it better right now. The only thing I am good it seems is crying and wondering what I did wrong to make him mad again

GOD if your reading this PLEASE HELP US

Till Later


Someone asked me why I had a frog under my name, one is because I collect anything that has to do with frogs and two because of what it stands for for me

Frog = Fully rely on God

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Friday, May 12th 2006

4:12 AM

Tag Board back for now

  • State of Mind: Could be better
  • How I feel: frustrated
  • Game of The Day: Oblivion
  • Thought of the day: Why are doctors so insensitive to ones feelings?

I have put the tag board back up thanks for the info on the i.p banning, I never even thought of that. Just have to much on my mind right now.

I am hoping to hear from Toronto soon, I don't know how much longer I can handle this ileostomy. I'm changing the appliance every second day and sometimes everyday. My skin is so raw from the adhesive that I can barely touch it and nothing is helping, I have tried creams, eakin seals, and so many other suggestions. I seem to be allergic to just about everything.

Having to deal with that and the pain is just getting to be to much for me...

Till later


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Monday, May 8th 2006

2:48 AM

Removed Tag Board

Due to all the spam I have removed the tag board until Bravenet comes up with a solution to stop the spam.

Spammers are becoming a nuisance, its everywhere now and it makes me so mad!

I don't get why people spam don't they know that they are just making people mad and that no one actually reads the spam?

Until Later


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Saturday, April 22nd 2006

2:30 AM

Why is living so hard?

  • State of Mind: scared
  • How I feel: I really don't know
  • Thought of the day: WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Yep I am still alive...barely...

I know it's been awhile since I have posted or even checked on my blog. Life has been really frustrating and tough lately.

The scope went not so well. Since I am Im Methadone for my chronic pain the stuff they gave me to knock me out for the scope didn't do anything so they game me more and then more until they reached the max amount that they can give and I was still awake. I felt everything and it hurt like hell. The doctor was frustrated and I think he even said he wasn't sure he could be my doc anymore after that in counter.

After it was over I was still in so much pain and was given a morphine by I.v. 10 mg in 2 different doses and it didn't help and why would it when I am Methadone which counter acts to the morphine or something like that. The 8 hour drive home wasn't fun either it was more like hell, I won't go into detials all I will say is after being scoped down the throat the last thing I care about is eating and where to eat, but becuase I couldn't come up with a place to eat the fight was on and it wouldn't have been that bad, but my good friend was along for the trip and having her see Sylvain yelling at me was really embarrassing. I could go on, but some of it is to personal to put here. All I will say is I hate being yelled at and lectured especially when all I want to do is sleep and get home.

Since that test I have been having more pain and having a harder time eating. I am barely going out, I have cancelled the last 2 therapy sessions and only been to Church once or twice, and have missed one to many meetings with my care group/bible study get together's.

When my symptoms first returned Sylvain and I dealt with it pretty good, but since the surgery that was supposed to fix me all up so I could go back to living. When didn't and I got sicker dealing with it slowly became harder and harder. It has put a huge strain on our marriage.  He is sick of me being sick and having to do everything and I am sick of being sick and watching him do everything. Some days I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him, if I say something and it comes out wrong in the slightest way then the battle is on. It can be as simple as him bringing home something and its not the right item so I ask him if he can return it the next day and all of a sudden I am getting yelled at....I never do anything right, from now on if you want it you go get it and stuff like that. You know I wish I could I wish I wasn't hurting so much and I wasn't so weak.

Even my mom is tired of it and my friends are too, life just isn't fun anymore.


If he only knew how many times I have stayed up all night in pain with a partial blockage so that I wouldn't have to go to the hospital and stress him out..he so hard on him when I am in the hospital that I will just about go through anything not to end up there. The only way I will go is if I have a complete blockage like the last time I was there.I just want it all to end, to go away, but I know it won't not any time soon anyway....

Im so scared Sylvain is going to get so tired of me being sick that on day he isn't going to come home. I love him so much. I am so scared.....

Till Later


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Tuesday, February 14th 2006

3:53 AM

A weekend I won't forget

  • State of Mind: better than yesterday
  • How I feel: a bit better than yesterday
  • Thought of the day: Do ducks sneeze?

I feel I need to post something since it's been awhile and probably some of you are wondering what happened after my breakdown on New Years eve. I just want to say that there was a lot of mix ups and people thinking other people new what was going on, but in reality when it came to Sylvain and me we didn't have a clue. It was just a big mix up.

I can't say the same for our long time friends who aren't Christians. They didn't want to spend it with us because of mixed communications and one if them is mad at me for things I didn't do, like use my health problems for sympathy and attention. There is more involved than just that. Even though we we're hurt by what happen they are still family to me and family matters are sometimes to personal to talk about.

My birthday on Jan 22nd has come and gone. I can't believe I'm 39

I spent my Birthday  with Andy and Kerri along with some of their friends. I also got the added bonus of seeing two really great friends Bill and Frankie, they got me a really cute frog, I wish they could have stayed longer, but they had other plans for the evening . It was a great day and I had alot of fun  I was also spoiled by Sylvain, the present he got me left me speechless. I don't know how he managed it but he got me a iPod video gig . I also got a some really nice black pants and cool surfer shorts . On Monday I spend my birthday with my Mom. I got  a necklace and some perfume from her, I didn't have the heart to tell her I don't wear perfume Sylvain is allergic and I'm not really into necklaces, they always get tangled in my hair. I gave her a big hug and thanked her for the wonderful gifts  Two wonerful dinners and two birhtday cakes what more could I ask for

Other than that not much has happened in my humdrum life of pain and misery. Well actually that's not true I am going to see a counselor on Friday. I have never been to one before and I am very nervous about going.

Sylvain is also going to start seeing a counselor as well especially after what happened this weekend. He is getting really frustrated with me being sick all the time and we are fighting way to much. There is so much he wants to do and because I am sick he isn't getting to do everything he wants. What he doesn't realize is that I want to do alot of things as well and can't because of this stupid chronic pain. It makes me feel like I am ruining his life

As most of you know he is a worship leader at our Church, but he isn't singing and leading as much anymore because the Church hired a Worship Paster. So when he gets a chance to be on the team he takes it and I love watching him on stage and I try my hardest not to let my health get in the way of that. Well last week they asked if he could fill in for someone who couldn't make it and he said ok.I really love seeing him up there singing, he has a awesome voice.

Now on to what happened this weekend.....

Well Friday night I started feeling really sick and not just bad pain. By the time we went to bed I was running a fever of 103, my vision was blurry, my heart was beating really fast. I was very dizzy and could barely stay awake.

For example : Earlier in the evening I sat up to take a drink of my pop and I think I blacked out because one minute I was holding the pop and the next I waking up to my pop dropping out of my hand and spilling all over my blanket.

I told Sylvain that I was really scared, pain I can handle but high fevers,cold chills, dizziness,heart beating way to fast, blurry vision, and blacking out had me scared. I told Sylvain I how I felt and I started to cry. I could tell he was worried too. I rested my head on his chest. As we cuddled he said he would phone and tell them I was really sick and he couldn't do the worship that weekend.  It was the first time in a long time that I could feel he really cared for me.

In the morning he didn't seem as concerned and through out the day I started feeling worse I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom or get a drink. In the afternoon he said he had to go he couldn't get a hold of anyone to replace him. I will admit my reaction wasn't very nice and I later apologized. I barely ask him to not do worship and the two times I did I was in the hospital and he still went because they couldn't find a replacement for him. What makes me mad is that when someone has to cancel Sylvain fills in, I'm ok with him filling in. I am not ok with the Worship Paster because when he needed someone to take his place when I was in the hospital they couldn't find anyone...no one

I would have been ok with it if it was just the bad pain, but with all the other symptoms I was scared to be alone. Being alone all day was hard enough, but now I would be alone for four more hours. I had no one to keep me company, they were all at Church. We don't have a cell phone at the moment so I tried to compromise and asked if he could just do the first set on Saturday night before the sermon and then come home and on Sunday do the two sermons. He said he would try. He wasn't able to just do the first set and I know that a lot of the worship team members have cell phones and the the church has phones too. During his 10 or 15 minute break why didn't;t he even try and call me to see how I was doing? I didn't hear from him or see him to around 9pm. He didn't even try that hard to get replaced and he didn't even tell the Worship paster how sick I was because he knew he would have sent him home.

What he doesn't understand is that I hate it when I miss Church and I hate it even more when he is singing and the choir is singing. I am on the choir and I love being on it so why would I personally get sick to ruin things for him and me? If I had someone to keep me company in case I fell or passed out then it wouldn't be a big deal to be alone, but I didn't have anyone and I was scared, it's hard to explain the way my body felt all I can say is I am still sick, not as dizzy, but still have the fever

I was really upset when he got home and the fight started he blamed me for being sick and a lot of stuff I don't want to get into are remember. I do remember at one point he actually said I was using my sickness as a weapon, that to me was a really low blow. I was to upset to talk to him after that.

During the night I couldn't sleep. I have a really hard time sleeping when issues are left unresolved. I grew up being told never go to bed angry. I decided to write a note to Sylvain to ask the Worship leader if what he did was ok. I asked to him to tell him everything that was going on...pain, fever an all the other symptoms and to get him to pray for Sylvain, me, and for the both of us. I don't know why I wrote it I knew he wouldn't do it. The prayers he did ask for and I am grateful for that. A few people asked him how I was doing and he told them I was really sick, I asked him what they said to him and he said nothing, they didn't reply at all...

After Church Sunday he came home and for some reason he thought I would be feeling better because the weekend is over, but I wasn't I was worse. It's Tuesday now and I am starting to feel a bit better. Today the fighting has come to a end and he realized that maybe he was in the wrong for leaving me at home that sick.

Today he apologized and he did realize that leaving me along with no one to help me or contact wasn't the right thing to do. He said that when he got really angry that he was taking out his frustration of me being sick and the doctors not doing anything.

I told him I can't keep it up, I hide how sick I am to him more than he knows. There are so many times that we have gone out to visit and I put on the happy face and tell him I have a bit of pain, but I can manage. Even at home he sees me up at night, like I am tonight and thinks I just can't sleep, but in reality I am hurting and in a fair bit of pain and I don't want to wake him. I do it so he doesn't worry all the time. I told him that tonight. I also told him I can't keep fighting the pain and fighting with him, I just can't do it anymore. It gets me so stressed out that it makes the pain even worse. 

After everything that happened this weekend told me that I asked him to try and get into see a counselor as soon as possible and he agreed 

I know he needs time to himself and he loves to sing and play his guitar and I would never stop him from doing something he loves so much. I would never intentionally lie about how sick I am so he would stay home. I don't have to, when he wants to do something he will do it no matter what. Don't get me wrong I love him dearly and he is a great husband. I would be lost without him.

I'm not sure how much more of this pain and my health being so bad. I miss life, I miss the me I was before my FAP flared up and the so called surgery that was going to fix everything just made everything worse.  

Ok time to change the subject...

I finally got a hold of my doctor in Vancouver and I am going for a scope on March 10th after that he fills out the forms I got from the surgeon in Toronto and if all goes well I may get the my Kock Pouch this year

Till Later


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Sunday, January 1st 2006

2:00 AM

Christmas gifts and New Years tears

  • State of Mind: hurt
  • How I feel: In alot of pain physical and emotional
  • Game of The Day: Animal Crossing WW for the Nintendo DS
  • Thought of the day: Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Everyone!!! 

I will admit I had a great Christmas day, but that's it. Boxing day sucked and so did New Years. I will write about the fun stuff first because I need a break from crying...

Ok here we go...

 Christmas Day which we spend with our good friends Kerry and Andrea invited us over for Christmas and it was great. Oh and the gift Sylvain got me was the best gift I have ever gotten. He saved upped for a very long time to get me a EOS Digital Rebel XT . Sylvain got my Canon Digital A70 3.2 mp and is very happy with that.I wish I could have gotten him something suprising, but I don't work so I don't make any of my own money and I can't drive with the meds I am on so he has lend me the money to get him his gift and basically drive me to where I have to go. I got him a really nice dress shirt and a video game for the PS2 called Dragon Quest VIII. I also got him a Nintendo DS and Animal Crossing Wild World as well. I got a really cool jacket from Kerry and Andy along with a personalized Christmas tree ornament, and a frog puppet that sings and I almost forgot Sylvain got me X-men Legends 2 for the Sony PSP and Animal crossing WW for the Nintendo DS. I also got 2 really nice sweaters from my Mom and a large stuffed frog and a huge box of mixed chocolates from Bonnie and her daughter who live upstairs from us. Oh and a week before Christmas a lady from our care group (from church) took me shopping for more dressy clothes for me to wear for special occasion, like Christmas. She got me a pair of beige cords and two really nice shirts to go with it and did the same for Sylvain except he got sweaters instead of dressy shirts. I guess for the first time in our married life of 9 years we actually got gifts for Christmas and even a bit spoiled.  It's nice to be spoiled after 9 years a scraping for money around this season to buy gifts  

I knew before hand that my Mom didn't want to spend Christmas with us and she made it really clear to us on Christmas eve when she stopped by to cut my hair and give me some bangs. I thought I would deal with it ok since I knew we where going to Kerri and Andrea's, but the morning of Christmas day was still hard for me and I was still really hurting. Sylvain was upset with me for good reason because he wanted me to be happy and open up his gift and I didn't want to until I was in a better mood so I could be in a good mood when he gave me his gift. Anyway's The day turned out to be a lot of fun and Andrea is a great cook

Now on to Boxing Day which started off really good. We went shopping with my Mom and then went to her place and while she was cooking dinner she started to tell me about my cousin who has MS and how bad she was getting and that she could die soon. I knew she was bad off but not that bad. She gave me guilt trips because I haven't been up to see here for awhile and I told her that I have been to sick as well and in really bad pain plus we always get into these who is sicker fights and I can't handle them. I want to go visit and help her and be able to talk to her about my problem's. I don't need to know which one of us is sicker I just want a friend I can talk to and be a friend she can talk to. I want to be able to be a shoulder for her to cry on and be someone she can depend on for support and I would like the same from her. What is fighting about who is the sickest going to solve? Anyway's my Mom got me so upset and made me feel so guilty that I couldn't eat and was crying most of the night.  We are going to visit my cousin tomorrow and I plan to see her alot more this new year.

Now for New Years. Every New Year we spend with friends that our like family to us, we have known them for 9 years and have only missed one new years with them and that was when my Dad passed away in 1999. Anyway's they are mad at us for something Sylvain won't tell me what yet and because of that they don't want to spend New Years with us. So this morning we told our other friends that we would like to spend New Years with them and they seemed ok with it. We meet up at Church and they got invited to a party and we didn't so they ditched us for the party, needless to say I was really hurt and felt like I was being abandoned by everyone. I decided to phone where the party was and asked if we could come and they say sure, then 10 minutes later Sylvain called back to see if they wanted us to bring anything only to find out they where just going to call us back and say we can't go. There wasn't enough room for 2 more people. I was really hurting after that and started crying so hard that I was hyperventilating. Sylvain kinda got me settled down, but I am still really hurting, two sets off friends drop like flies in one weekend.

Now I am having second thoughts on what being a Christian is all about. They knew I was hurt and upset they could hear me crying in the background when Sylvain was on the phone and they still didn't seem to care, maybe I am over reacting. Looks like I will find out soon since we decided to phone the place where we weren't invited to wish them all a happy New Year and got our friend on the phone, they asked if we wanted them to still drop by and I said yes. This was at 12:15am.

I was originally going to end my post here and update what happened tomorrow, but since they haven't showed up yet I decided to update in this post now and then I'm off to bed.

Its now 2:00am and so far they are a no show, I'm crying and thinking they forgot about us I guess. How am I supposed to deal with this, I would never do what they did to me if one of them was as upset and hurt as I was. I love them both so much they are like family to me. I don't know what to do.

What a way to to start a New Year...so many friends yet not one wants to be with you.....

Till Later


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Friday, December 16th 2005

5:05 AM

Thought I would update this since it's been awhile

  • How I feel: lots of pain today and really tired
  • Thought of the day: Yesterday's the past and tomorrow's the future. Today is a gift - which is why they call it the present

I have been pretty sick lately. The pain is getting worse, but I do have some news on my Kock Pouch surgery request...

I have to make a appointment with my Gastroenterology in Vancouver and get a scope to see how much polyp growth I have in my stomach, small intestine, and duodenum. After that I get that doctor to send the results to my Doctor here and he then sends the results along with two forms I have to fill out. Then once Dr. Cohen sees the reports I get put on the waiting list for the surgery.

I found out some stuff when I got the letter from Toronto that I didn't really like, I mean I knew FAP can turn to cancer, but now my has been put into a different category that's called the Familiar GI Cancer registry. I used to be under the Familiar Adenomatous Polyposis Disease registry.

I was doing a seach on FAP tonight and I found out from genetichealth  some stuff I didn't know. I have an elevated risk of contracting certain other types of cancer. Among them are cancer of the small bowel, cancer of the thyroid and cancer of the brain, as well as a rare form of childhood liver cancer.

I kinda knew there was a small chance of cancer showing up, but to find out that I could get cancer in other areas like my brain, liver, and thyroid is all new to me and has me just a bit spooked. I'm trying not to let it get me down, but sometimes when I am alone it's all I can think about especially cancer of the brain

For some good news...

Sylvain and I have been getting along way better lately.  We are starting to talk more and spend time on "US". It's a very welcome change. I have also decided to get some counseling. I am a little worried because I don't know what to except and the fact that I am so shy in real life. I know this is going to help, but I have a feeling it's going to take more than just a few sessions to get me figured out

That's it for now, I got to try to get some sleep

Till Later



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