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Tuesday, February 14th 2006

3:53 AM

A weekend I won't forget

  • State of Mind: better than yesterday
  • How I feel: a bit better than yesterday
  • Thought of the day: Do ducks sneeze?

I feel I need to post something since it's been awhile and probably some of you are wondering what happened after my breakdown on New Years eve. I just want to say that there was a lot of mix ups and people thinking other people new what was going on, but in reality when it came to Sylvain and me we didn't have a clue. It was just a big mix up.

I can't say the same for our long time friends who aren't Christians. They didn't want to spend it with us because of mixed communications and one if them is mad at me for things I didn't do, like use my health problems for sympathy and attention. There is more involved than just that. Even though we we're hurt by what happen they are still family to me and family matters are sometimes to personal to talk about.

My birthday on Jan 22nd has come and gone. I can't believe I'm 39

I spent my Birthday  with Andy and Kerri along with some of their friends. I also got the added bonus of seeing two really great friends Bill and Frankie, they got me a really cute frog, I wish they could have stayed longer, but they had other plans for the evening . It was a great day and I had alot of fun  I was also spoiled by Sylvain, the present he got me left me speechless. I don't know how he managed it but he got me a iPod video gig . I also got a some really nice black pants and cool surfer shorts . On Monday I spend my birthday with my Mom. I got  a necklace and some perfume from her, I didn't have the heart to tell her I don't wear perfume Sylvain is allergic and I'm not really into necklaces, they always get tangled in my hair. I gave her a big hug and thanked her for the wonderful gifts  Two wonerful dinners and two birhtday cakes what more could I ask for

Other than that not much has happened in my humdrum life of pain and misery. Well actually that's not true I am going to see a counselor on Friday. I have never been to one before and I am very nervous about going.

Sylvain is also going to start seeing a counselor as well especially after what happened this weekend. He is getting really frustrated with me being sick all the time and we are fighting way to much. There is so much he wants to do and because I am sick he isn't getting to do everything he wants. What he doesn't realize is that I want to do alot of things as well and can't because of this stupid chronic pain. It makes me feel like I am ruining his life

As most of you know he is a worship leader at our Church, but he isn't singing and leading as much anymore because the Church hired a Worship Paster. So when he gets a chance to be on the team he takes it and I love watching him on stage and I try my hardest not to let my health get in the way of that. Well last week they asked if he could fill in for someone who couldn't make it and he said ok.I really love seeing him up there singing, he has a awesome voice.

Now on to what happened this weekend.....

Well Friday night I started feeling really sick and not just bad pain. By the time we went to bed I was running a fever of 103, my vision was blurry, my heart was beating really fast. I was very dizzy and could barely stay awake.

For example : Earlier in the evening I sat up to take a drink of my pop and I think I blacked out because one minute I was holding the pop and the next I waking up to my pop dropping out of my hand and spilling all over my blanket.

I told Sylvain that I was really scared, pain I can handle but high fevers,cold chills, dizziness,heart beating way to fast, blurry vision, and blacking out had me scared. I told Sylvain I how I felt and I started to cry. I could tell he was worried too. I rested my head on his chest. As we cuddled he said he would phone and tell them I was really sick and he couldn't do the worship that weekend.  It was the first time in a long time that I could feel he really cared for me.

In the morning he didn't seem as concerned and through out the day I started feeling worse I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom or get a drink. In the afternoon he said he had to go he couldn't get a hold of anyone to replace him. I will admit my reaction wasn't very nice and I later apologized. I barely ask him to not do worship and the two times I did I was in the hospital and he still went because they couldn't find a replacement for him. What makes me mad is that when someone has to cancel Sylvain fills in, I'm ok with him filling in. I am not ok with the Worship Paster because when he needed someone to take his place when I was in the hospital they couldn't find anyone...no one

I would have been ok with it if it was just the bad pain, but with all the other symptoms I was scared to be alone. Being alone all day was hard enough, but now I would be alone for four more hours. I had no one to keep me company, they were all at Church. We don't have a cell phone at the moment so I tried to compromise and asked if he could just do the first set on Saturday night before the sermon and then come home and on Sunday do the two sermons. He said he would try. He wasn't able to just do the first set and I know that a lot of the worship team members have cell phones and the the church has phones too. During his 10 or 15 minute break why didn't;t he even try and call me to see how I was doing? I didn't hear from him or see him to around 9pm. He didn't even try that hard to get replaced and he didn't even tell the Worship paster how sick I was because he knew he would have sent him home.

What he doesn't understand is that I hate it when I miss Church and I hate it even more when he is singing and the choir is singing. I am on the choir and I love being on it so why would I personally get sick to ruin things for him and me? If I had someone to keep me company in case I fell or passed out then it wouldn't be a big deal to be alone, but I didn't have anyone and I was scared, it's hard to explain the way my body felt all I can say is I am still sick, not as dizzy, but still have the fever

I was really upset when he got home and the fight started he blamed me for being sick and a lot of stuff I don't want to get into are remember. I do remember at one point he actually said I was using my sickness as a weapon, that to me was a really low blow. I was to upset to talk to him after that.

During the night I couldn't sleep. I have a really hard time sleeping when issues are left unresolved. I grew up being told never go to bed angry. I decided to write a note to Sylvain to ask the Worship leader if what he did was ok. I asked to him to tell him everything that was going on...pain, fever an all the other symptoms and to get him to pray for Sylvain, me, and for the both of us. I don't know why I wrote it I knew he wouldn't do it. The prayers he did ask for and I am grateful for that. A few people asked him how I was doing and he told them I was really sick, I asked him what they said to him and he said nothing, they didn't reply at all...

After Church Sunday he came home and for some reason he thought I would be feeling better because the weekend is over, but I wasn't I was worse. It's Tuesday now and I am starting to feel a bit better. Today the fighting has come to a end and he realized that maybe he was in the wrong for leaving me at home that sick.

Today he apologized and he did realize that leaving me along with no one to help me or contact wasn't the right thing to do. He said that when he got really angry that he was taking out his frustration of me being sick and the doctors not doing anything.

I told him I can't keep it up, I hide how sick I am to him more than he knows. There are so many times that we have gone out to visit and I put on the happy face and tell him I have a bit of pain, but I can manage. Even at home he sees me up at night, like I am tonight and thinks I just can't sleep, but in reality I am hurting and in a fair bit of pain and I don't want to wake him. I do it so he doesn't worry all the time. I told him that tonight. I also told him I can't keep fighting the pain and fighting with him, I just can't do it anymore. It gets me so stressed out that it makes the pain even worse. 

After everything that happened this weekend told me that I asked him to try and get into see a counselor as soon as possible and he agreed 

I know he needs time to himself and he loves to sing and play his guitar and I would never stop him from doing something he loves so much. I would never intentionally lie about how sick I am so he would stay home. I don't have to, when he wants to do something he will do it no matter what. Don't get me wrong I love him dearly and he is a great husband. I would be lost without him.

I'm not sure how much more of this pain and my health being so bad. I miss life, I miss the me I was before my FAP flared up and the so called surgery that was going to fix everything just made everything worse.  

Ok time to change the subject...

I finally got a hold of my doctor in Vancouver and I am going for a scope on March 10th after that he fills out the forms I got from the surgeon in Toronto and if all goes well I may get the my Kock Pouch this year

Till Later

Joann

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