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Saturday, April 22nd 2006

2:30 AM

Why is living so hard?

  • State of Mind: scared
  • How I feel: I really don't know
  • Thought of the day: WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Yep I am still alive...barely...

I know it's been awhile since I have posted or even checked on my blog. Life has been really frustrating and tough lately.

The scope went not so well. Since I am Im Methadone for my chronic pain the stuff they gave me to knock me out for the scope didn't do anything so they game me more and then more until they reached the max amount that they can give and I was still awake. I felt everything and it hurt like hell. The doctor was frustrated and I think he even said he wasn't sure he could be my doc anymore after that in counter.

After it was over I was still in so much pain and was given a morphine by I.v. 10 mg in 2 different doses and it didn't help and why would it when I am Methadone which counter acts to the morphine or something like that. The 8 hour drive home wasn't fun either it was more like hell, I won't go into detials all I will say is after being scoped down the throat the last thing I care about is eating and where to eat, but becuase I couldn't come up with a place to eat the fight was on and it wouldn't have been that bad, but my good friend was along for the trip and having her see Sylvain yelling at me was really embarrassing. I could go on, but some of it is to personal to put here. All I will say is I hate being yelled at and lectured especially when all I want to do is sleep and get home.

Since that test I have been having more pain and having a harder time eating. I am barely going out, I have cancelled the last 2 therapy sessions and only been to Church once or twice, and have missed one to many meetings with my care group/bible study get together's.

When my symptoms first returned Sylvain and I dealt with it pretty good, but since the surgery that was supposed to fix me all up so I could go back to living. When didn't and I got sicker dealing with it slowly became harder and harder. It has put a huge strain on our marriage.  He is sick of me being sick and having to do everything and I am sick of being sick and watching him do everything. Some days I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him, if I say something and it comes out wrong in the slightest way then the battle is on. It can be as simple as him bringing home something and its not the right item so I ask him if he can return it the next day and all of a sudden I am getting yelled at....I never do anything right, from now on if you want it you go get it and stuff like that. You know I wish I could I wish I wasn't hurting so much and I wasn't so weak.

Even my mom is tired of it and my friends are too, life just isn't fun anymore.

I HATE THIS PAIN I WANT IT GONE 

If he only knew how many times I have stayed up all night in pain with a partial blockage so that I wouldn't have to go to the hospital and stress him out..he so hard on him when I am in the hospital that I will just about go through anything not to end up there. The only way I will go is if I have a complete blockage like the last time I was there.I just want it all to end, to go away, but I know it won't not any time soon anyway....

Im so scared Sylvain is going to get so tired of me being sick that on day he isn't going to come home. I love him so much. I am so scared.....

Till Later

Joann

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