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Thursday, July 13th 2006

2:44 AM

Still Alive...I think

  • State of Mind: All mixed upped
  • How I feel: sad,crazy, and more pain
  • Thought of the day: Why am I the only one in my whole family who can't have a baby?

I didn't think it had been so long since my last post, I haven't been posting much because I figure everyone must be getting tired of my whining and complaining about how lousy life is most of the time.

A lot has happened since I last posted some good, some bad. Sylvain and I started to go to counseling, but the lady that was going to help us is having health problems herself so we are going to try and get help thru the church. I never thought that we would need counseling.

I never thought that we would be fighting like we are. I miss the way we used to be, before I had my last surgery we never fought as much as we do now. I mean we used to have some nasty fights every now and then but not every week, sometimes every day. It scares me, I am starting to wonder how much longer he can handle being with me sick like this or is he just staying because he feel would feel guilty leaving. It's like we are both hanging from a thread waiting to see who is going to fall first...

To make things worse I am slowly being weaned off the methadone for my chronic pain which is not fun and not easy and I need his support more than ever right now. The pain is getting worse and every time I go down on my dose I go thru withdrawal and that's no cup of tea to go thru. I really need his support right now while I go thru this and I have to be careful of when to tell him I need some TLC and encouragement, you see if he is playing his game Battlefield 2 with his clan and I need some help because the withdrawal symptoms are driving me up the wall he thinks I am just doing it to get him to stop playing his game and that's not true. I just want a hug, a prayer, some encouraging words and if the symptoms are really bad he could just cuddle with me for 15-20 min or how ever long the symptoms take to settle down. I am really scared to be going off of this because I haven't even been offered any other form of relief. I wish the Methadone didn't make me feel so sick and give me so many side effects. I guess only time will tell on how everything will turn out. I just wish Sylvain would stop saying I don't care about him and stuff when I am going thru this. I am so scared of the pain I am going to be in when I am completly off the methadone. I can barely eat now, what's gonna happen to me?

Truth is I care for him so much he just doesn't see it, I try my hardest to keep the kitchen and dishes clean and other housework no matter how much I hurt and all he can do is tell me how I don't care about him and his need for his time, I am trying to lighten the load so he has a chance to have some free time, but I guess when your addicted to a game you don't see that. I have stayed home when I have should have gone to the hospital with partial or sometimes more than partial blockages I cry all night in pain where he can't hear me. I stay home because when I am in the hospital it is to stressful on him.

For the last month I have been pretending to be better than I am so that my cousin who has progressive MS doesn't worry about me. We helped her and her husband move and have been spending a lot of time with them. They have a 3 year old little boy and a 9 year old girl. We have been having their oldest daughter over for weekends and taking her to the park to play, to our friends places for BQ's and Church with us. She needs so much love and attention. Ever since there youngest was born she hasn't got the attention she needs.

Its been hard and tiring for me, but its so nice to have her around, she makes me forget how lonely I truly am. I would do anything for that little girl. I just wish it wasn't so hard when she is gone because then I feel empty again, I want to be a mother so bad and it hurts so much to know that I might never be one. 

Right now Sylvain and I are seeing if we qualify to be legal guardians to there little girl if something should happen,which I pray doesn't happen. Their 3 year old will be going with his Dad, her Dad is no where to be found. There is a long story behind that and I can't get into on here.

If your a praying person I have a few requests...

Please pray that my cousin will go into remission, no child should have to watch there Mom die 

Please pray that if she should be taken from us that we are approved to be legal guardians. Also pray that her son and daughter will get the help they need to deal with the hurt they will be going thru and that I will also get help to deal with the lose of my cousin who has been more like a sister to me and a best best, life without her, I can't even imagine it without it breaking my heart.

Please pray that we are approved because if my cousin does go into remission  then we could foster a child and right now they are asking people who foster to adopt so if all goes well I may be a Mom one day soon and that would make me the happiest person. Thanks to a certian person we know from Church it shouldn't cost us anything to get the home assesement done.

It is so hard to want to be a mom and not be able to be one, I cry and pray every night for God to grant me the gift of being a Mother.

Also please pray for Sylvain and me I am so scared that we won't make it thru this, I know Sylvain is holding on to the dream that the surgery I am trying to get in Toronto will make me pain free. I am trying to get adhesion barriers as well as my Kock Pouch. Its taking forever, we sent in all the paper work and now its just wait and see and we have been waiting a year already.

A  request fro my Mom who is back with her abusive, cheating, and lying boyfriend, please pray that no harm will come to her physically or mentally and that she will find her way out of the darkness and back into the light of God.

Please also pray that God will help me throught then next thru months of weaning of the Methadone and that thru him my pain will be healed also please pray for Sylvain, give him the strenght to be able to stand by me and help me thru the next months and help him to realise Im not doing it to get him to stop playing, why would I put myself thru this kind of withdrawal just for him to stop playing. I love him so much I just wish I could show it better right now. The only thing I am good it seems is crying and wondering what I did wrong to make him mad again

GOD if your reading this PLEASE HELP US

Till Later

Joann

Someone asked me why I had a frog under my name, one is because I collect anything that has to do with frogs and two because of what it stands for for me

Frog = Fully rely on God

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